ramblings

I grapple weekly, if not daily, with whether or not teaching is what I want to do with the rest of my life. When people ask me what I “do”, I proudly (almost boastfully) respond that I am a teacher. The longer I teach, the more in awe I am of the ingenuity, the dedication, the intelligence, and the heart it takes to be an effective teacher. I constantly strive to possess these traits because I want to be worthy of my title. I am always learning and I love that about my career. Not only am I continuously learning new subject matter in order to teach it, but I never stop reflecting on and revising the art of my teaching. The What-To-Teach is the easier of the two – it’s the How-To-Teach aspect that is still so elusive to me. How do I teach this needed skill? How can I push this student to the next level? What is the sequence I should follow? What am I missing here?

When I see my students applying a skill that I have taught them, making a connection to something we’ve studied, or simply showing some kind of growth, it fills my heart with an unexplainable sense of joy, pride, and accomplishment. When my students struggle, when a concept or skill isn’t clicking, I feel like a failure. I obsess over my inexperience, incompetence, lack of effort.

This year, I have some really bright kids. I know so much more about teaching (although, joyfully, I’m just getting my feet wet and can’t wait to grow in my understanding and effectiveness). However, I worry about my students not “making it”. I fear that, every year, there will be a struggle and severe apprehension on my part that too many students won’t be where they need to be when the year ends. And it will be because I just didn’t know how to teach them well. Each year, teachers hold their breaths and hope that they have done a good job – and then the cycle begins again in the fall.

My principal told me once that teaching is not a career; it is a lifestyle. Some teachers teach as a vocation, for others, it is an embodiment of who we are. She told me that she believes that teaching is my lifestyle.

While I believe that, if I continue working at teaching, growing in my craft, expanding my knowledge, and learning from the amazing teachers around me, I will become a great teacher - I’m not so sure that I want my life to revolve around teaching. I want to come home from work and be done. I don’t want to live in constant worry that my kids aren’t going to “get it”. I don’t like holding my breath. I HATE the tension that builds up in my neck. The truth is that I refuse to half-ass this, and I fear that it will wear me down into a tired, achy, worn-out old woman. I ask myself, often, if the sacrifice of my time and sanity is worth it. The noble answer would be, “Yes, there is no greater honor than shaping the minds and lives of children”. Which is true, except that I kind of like me, and I don’t really want to kill myself with the worries and stresses of what I do.