When I was younger, I possessed an overwhelming sense of compassion and empathy for those around me. On my slight shoulders I carried the sadness of the world as though I alone could bear its burdens. "Please God", I bargained one night, "take all of the pain and sadness in the world and put it on me so that no one will ever have to feel this way again". Talk about a savior complex. My sense of right and wrong was prudishly acute, and I always assumed that I would grow up to be a genuinely good person. It's hard realizing that I am not the woman I hoped I would be. It's devastating to realize that a heart that was once so sensitive has become hardened and calloused beyond recognition. It pains me to know that the girl who spent nights grieving for the pain of others grew up to be so apathetic, so lacking in compassion, integrity, and character. I wonder if I will ever be the woman of God I hoped I would be when I grew up?

This isn’t an entry about self-pity or self-loathing. It's simply a realization of how far I am from where I need to be; a prayer that this is just a phase, a plea for rest and a chance to breathe.